Hold On to Your Dreams

29 weeks pregnant!

The average young girl anticipates the day that her Prince Charming will walk into her life.  She plans her wedding in detail:  her dress, her bride’s maids, her reception, even her guest list.  She day dreams of the romantic honeymoon her beau will gift her with for both of their pleasures.  The wedding is such an important day for an average girl.  One day all of her dreams will come true…

I was no different.  The importance of love, marriage, and a happy life with the man of my dreams was always at the fore-front of my mind.  Even when I chose not to date, it was so that God could prepare me for Mr. Right, not because I wasn’t thinking of him or didn’t have time for a man.

I met the one I thought was Mr. Right.  I fell in love so quickly.  It was hard not to fall head first in love.  My mister was bold, confident, charming, and totally into me—all I thought I ever wanted.  Finally, it was my time to be in love forever!

I recall my wedding day.  I awoke early that morning beside my husband –to- be.  Yep, we were sleeping together, but not the way you think.  You see, we both had chosen to not have sex until we were wed.  We had finally made it to the very day that all of our holding out would be over.  Later that day we would be able to let go and enjoy. Ah…but that’s another story.  Anyway, we got up and went our separate ways.  There were plenty of things we had to complete before our 5 pm wedding. 

Yes, by this time much of the running around should have been over.  But only a week had passed since we decided to marry quickly, so things were undone.  The week prior to our wedding was the week that Hurricane Katrina decided to wreak havoc on the gulf coast.  Baton Rouge had a lot of wind damage, therefore, we’d been out of school and out of work for a week.  But that didn’t mean blissful freedom; everything, our stores, restaurants, and other businesses were out of commission for the most part.  I had stayed with my then boyfriend for the entire week.  So when things were up and running again I didn’t want to go home.  I realized just how comfortable I was living with him. 

It was early September.  I had been engaged since the previous July.  (Our marriage counseling had already been completed.)  We originally had planned our wedding for December.  However, after this brief, but beautiful stay together during a storm where most of the time we had no electricity, we realized that we just couldn’t wait.  We spoke to our parents to make sure that they wouldn’t mind if we had a quick (quick in every since of the word) ceremony.  They were in agreement probably because they wanted to please us.  (Sometimes when I look back, I wish someone would have told us to be patient and wait, maybe just maybe I would have seen something that I couldn’t live with.  But oh, well.)

So we moved the wedding date up…way up.  We would be married the next Saturday. 

So, okay, back to my wedding day…My Louisiana bestie and I met at the mall and did a little shopping in preparation for the day and especially the night. My fiancé and I married on September 3, 2005.  I had no family present.  (I did have two very close friends with me, though.)  It was the happiest day of my life!

In retrospect, however, I see that I so willingly gave up all of my dreams for love.  I didn’t take a stand for the things that I had wanted my entire life.  No family at my wedding.  No bride’s maids. No flowers and none of the sort. No honeymoon.   I left my dreams behind and it was only shortly after marrying that I regretted it. 

Poor shame.  Not only don’t have my dreams of wedding bliss, but I also no longer have a husband…

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

One Day I'll Tell My Kids         Entry #9

Dear Chandler and Baby Girl,

Dreams are special.  They are our hopes for the future.  When we are young we all begin to build our lives around our dreams.  Some dreams change.  Some dreams die.  Other dreams simply mature into your futures. 

I believe that your dreams and hopes are from God because I have given you to Him.  I believe that He places your thoughts and desires in your minds and your hearts.  Therefore, I don’t take what you hope for lightly.  I don’t want you to take your aspirations lightly either.  The dreams that grow and mature inside of you are the dreams that I want you to fight for.  The dreams that you hold to now may someday be a part of you.  Don’t give up on the things that God has placed in you, for me, for friends, or even for your Prince Charmings. 

Know what it is that you want realistically.  Prepare for those things.  And hold on tight.  Many things may come and go, but the fullfillment of your dreams will always be a part of you!  Go after your dreams!

Love you much,

Mommy

 

Want, Need and Desire

 

Every since I was young girl, I have been sensitive to how other people felt about me.  I wanted people to like me, to love me.  I always desired to be someone’s number 1!  I know my parents love/loved me, but they also loved three other children.  I needed to feel extra special.  I guess many people would say that I dealt with “middle child syndrome”.  I suppose I would agree.  Still, I spent my childhood and a large portion of my adult life searching for love in any form:  family love, friendship, or even special relationships with males. 

There were times when I was happy.  Maybe I met a new friend or boyfriend (even my ex-husband) and he/she would adore me for an extended period of time, but the interest would eventually dull and often times completely pass for whatever reasons; thus leaving me lonely and searching again. 

No too many years ago, I realized that I was really “needy”.  At the time, I was married and had several good friends, but I found that my desire for love just couldn’t be quenched.  But still, like a fool, I kept searching…

I look around now, and I consider all the beautiful people God has allowed me to have relationships with, and I still feel lonely.  I fear that I’ll always be alone. 

This weekend, all of my immediate family members and their kids are in town, unfortunately, except my younger brother.  I love spending time with these people.  We laugh, eat, laugh, talk about God, and laugh some more together.  Good wholesome family time!  Today our family time comes to an end.  They are leaving.  When my kids and I return home after school, they will be gone.  Yes, they’ll be back to visit, but I’ll miss them so much while they are gone!

I feel like I must sound so very pitiful to you.  I’m not begging for friends.  Friendships come and go, but I know something is missing from my life.  Today as I write, (I mean it—as I am writing) I understand where God wants me to go.  He can’t or won’t lead me there.  He wants me to go, on my own free will, to the place where I want, need, and desire Him alone.  I do understand that we as people need each other.  God made us for one another.  However, when one’s want, need and desire for others overpower our want, need, and desire for Him, well, that is called idolism—putting other gods above the one and true God.  News flash: I have put others before God!  That is my problem. 

The Bible says:  But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (Mark 6:33).

God is all I need! Accepting this fact gives me so much hope for my future! 

It seems like God is always showing me something else that needs attention in my life.  I will work hard on the outside, as He continues to work on the inside!  God is my perfection…

This has been Melva’s Truth.

Remember:  I am not the good news, Jesus is!

 

One Day I’ll Tell My Kids              Entry #8

Dear Chandler and Cameron,

Today is your first day of first grade and kindergarten.  I am so excited for you!  You are both taking very big steps, and you have been well equipped to successfully climb to the top. 

I know that in life you will make and desire friendships with people around you, especially now that school is back in session.  Always be yourselves and allow God’s spirit to reign inside of you.  The light of God always attracts people. 

Chandler, I know that you have been waiting and wishing for a best friend.  That person will come into your life, soon, I am sure.  When you connect with this person(s) (they may change throughout the years) have fun with her.  Be real with her, but always remember that Jesus is the best friend that you will ever have.  Your friends may come and go, but God will remain constant.  So even when you find that you don’t have any special friends, fret not, God is just giving you time to get closer to Him.  And in due season the right friends will increase your life richly!

Cameron, you have chosen two of your older female cousins as your best friends, for now.  Beautiful…Why?  Because I know that they are being raised to love God and themselves as God would have all of us do.  When you begin to make friends outside of our family circle, choose friends that will be pleasing to God.  Let your friends have the same moral and Christian characteristics that I have instilled in you.  Only allow people into your life that will help you grow in character.  Most of all, Cam, enjoy your life and friends, while you enjoy God first!

Love you much,

Mommy

Do-Over

My summer vacation is officially over.  Today, I headed back to work for the 2013-14 school year.  As I sat in our first district assembly meeting,

I listened to what our educational leaders expected from us this school year.  Our district’s educational grade for the last school year was an "F".  Low blow, despite all the reasons we can come up with to explain why the grade isn’t fair.  Sitting there, I thought of my life.  What grade would I give myself for the past few years?  Well, let’s be fair…What grade would someone else give me?  Probably an “F”. 
Just like my school system, I have to make some changes.  (I’ve actually already started.)  The hardest part of change is letting go of the things that are comfortable, and starting over from scratch.  Scratch is just about where I am.  This week I’m in the process of packing up my house in preparation to move back home with my parents once again.  I just recently made this decision, and I am still questioning my choice daily.  I know that moving home is what’s best.  I’m pregnant, single, and I have two busy children.  I need help!  Moving home also affords me the luxury of saving money in order to one day purchase the home of my dreams.  So, why am I apprehensive?  Because it’s uncomfortable, scary and challenging! But I need the change, badly!

Let’s be clear, my moving back home is not only a physical change, but it is most definitely a spiritual change. 

You know the story of the Israelites and how they traveled around the same mountain for 40 years, well, I am an Israelite, re-doing that which I haven’t perfected.  I’m not just moving home for help or savings, but moving home allows God to continually humble me and teach me the lessons that somehow I missed or was too hard-headed to learn. 

Packing this week, in the natural, I realize that I have a lot of things that I need to get rid of permanently.  I have clothes galore—things I wear, things I haven’t worn, and things I will probably never wear.  I have mountains of letters, cards, bills and the like, too many shoes, pictures, drawings, and other old and unnecessary memories which for the most part all amount to STUFF…too much STUFF.  Those that are helping me pack have to persuade me to give up some of these things that I have accumulated through the years.  For me this is tough, but I have no choice… mainly because my parents won’t allow me to bring all of my “stuff” into their home again. 

God is doing the same thing spiritually in me.  He is removing and deleting everything thing that I can’t take with me to my next stop on this journey—everything that separates me from Him!  He is cleansing me of myself, bad habits, faulty thinking, and some friends.  This is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but down this path I must tread.  I am determined no matter how hard it is to be better…much better. 

Pray for me; this purging is with hyssop (Psalm 51:7).

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

 Remember:  I am not the good news, Jesus is!

***One Day I Will Tell My Kids       Entry #7

Dear Chandler,

Between you and Cameron, you are most like me.  We have so much in common until it is scary.  The very things that I love about me, you seemingly received a double portion.  Unfortunately, the things that aggravate me about myself, I also see in you. Like any mother, I want you to better than me in every way.  

The first piece of advice I want to give you in this letter is to adhere to all the Godly wisdom given to you by those who love you and love Christ.  I know people say that we learn through experience, but some lessons can be trusted/learned through those that have already traveled those roads.  You don’t have to make the same mistakes that I have made.  You are an individual.  Make your own decisions based on the Word of God.  Receive wisdom from those around you. Don’t follow in my bad footsteps. 

Jesus broke the curse of generational curses when He died for you.  Don’t pick back up those things that you have been delivered from.  It is not worth it.  You don’t want to have to travel around the same mountain for 40 years…but if for some reason, you find that you are circling the mountain for the second or the third time, resolve to learn the lesson.  Be willing to do what is necessary to get out of the wilderness.

Take it from Mommy and learn from my errors.

Love you much,
Mommy

Transparency

My summer away from work is quickly coming to an end.  It seems that time has flown by, but yet I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with so many issues in my life.  This has definitely been my summer of self reflection.  I have had to prepare for some difficult transitions, and as grueling as change can be, I must say that my experiences have been refreshing. 

I know that God is not through with me yet, but for once (at least in a long time), I feel like I am truly on the right path to pleasing Him.   I have been humbled through my divorce, my pregnancy, and my many on-going heart issues.  I don’t think I have ever felt so lowly (in a positive way).  Being able to openly share my shortcomings with you has been liberating. 

People ask me why I feel the need to blog, and there are others who feel I have ulterior motives attached to my writing.  Well, to the “nay sayers,” I say that I have no ulterior motives.  God led me to blog, first for me.  I needed releases from bondages of my sin, my past, my mind, and my heart.  It is not my intention to harm anyone or put anyone down.  Really, you don’t get the whole story most of the time because of my caution.  I am not writing to bring anyone else down or to tell their business.  I just aim to tell my story, to hum my melody.  And yes, sometimes my melody has intertwined with others’ melodies, but that’s life.  Still, I only give you what is necessary for your understanding.  I am sorry that you may not trust my intent, but that doesn’t change the truth of the matter:  God chose my blogging to reach me!  I am thankful.

Side Note:  My younger brother and I were talking shortly before I started this blog.  God was already dealing with me.  I was heavy with guilt and embarrassment.  My little brother stated that one of the problems with the church is that it (we) are not transparent.  We attend services in our best suits, praise God with our highest praises, and even listen to messages on mercy and grace.  But we rarely hear the admittance to struggle or to sin in our lives.  Why is that?  Is it because we only want people to see the end result of God’s work in us, the good part of us?  My brother went on to say that maybe if the world could see us through our good and bad, the idea of grace would take on a stronger meaning for them.  He was not saying that we should be proud of our mess, but that the beauty of the gospel is that God still loves you while he cleans up your mess.  It is His grace that saves us not our ability to clean our own mess, or even stay out of mess for that matter.  His grace is the favor that we don’t deserve, but even when we are down, He freely gives His grace to those who have chosen to follow Him. My brother’s words helped me to step out.  I believe that God was speaking through him. I was to let people see the real me.  I was to let people see the messed up me that God had not forgotten.  The me that God still loves.  The me that God can still work in and through.  Wow!  What an awesome God I serve!

Still, there are those in the majority who applaud my truth and sincerity.  You have supported me through prayer and encouraging words, or simply by sharing your stories and experiences with me.  I want you to know you have encouraged me and I truly appreciate you!  I never imagined that so many people would care about what I go though, or that you’d ever be open enough to share with  me what you go through, but you have.  I have been blessed by you more than you will ever know.  Thank you!

As my schedule busies again with work in the coming week, I wonder how God is going to work on me.  I know He still has plenty of stops for me on our journey.  Where are we going?  I anticipate my next stop now.  That doesn’t mean that I am not apprehensive or nervous because I am.  However, I am willing to let go, and stop pulling against God.  I now am ready to just let him lead, and I follow.  Who knows, maybe soon I’ll even graduate to Him removing this rope from around my waist…but I still have the feeling that He’s gonna have to pull me somewhere I just don’t want to go.  But for the betterment of me and the glory of God, I’ll keep moving.

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news, Jesus is!

***One Day I Will Tell My Kids                 Entry #6

Dear Kids,

Becoming men and women for God is a beautiful thing, but it is not always going to be easy.  There will be times that you mess up badly.  Don’t let shame push you into a corner.  When you mess up, look to God!  I don’t care how He instructs you, do what He says.  It is for your good.  It may seem hard or embarrassing or even crazy, but still do it!  Do it knowing that God has a plan for you and it is for your good. 

Once you accept Christ, don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you.  It is a done deal!  It doesn’t matter how many times you fall or how long you stay there.  Just be willing to get up.  The Bible says that a righteous man falls seven times.  (Yet, God still calls him righteous!) Remember that your transparency is what will help lead you to victory, and I believe it will lead others to Christ!

I know that each of you have great purpose!  Block out what negative people have to say, and maybe what your own conscience says, too, and follow God to your destination.

Love you much,

Mommy