This Place I Am In...

Okay, so here I am today.  I’m not at a crossroad; I’ve already chosen my path, and I am walking it.  It’s not as bumpy now as it has been, but it is definitely still an uphill battle.  I thank God for the rope He’s tied around my waist because when I am too weak to walk, he simply pulls me. 

Recently, I‘ve been pulled, although kicking and screaming, to a hard place.  God has stopped pulling and there is slack in the rope.  I think He intends for me to visit here awhile.  I don’t like this place.  It reeks of regret and pain, and people that I’ve learned to completely dismiss from my life.  This stop is Forgiveness. 

I’ve been to countless workshops (and even helped to lead a few) on forgiveness.  For the average person forgiveness is a tough topic.  People hurt us intentionally and unintentionally; they steal from us, cheat on us, and lie to us.  But yet, God requires us to forgive them. 

When you have a tough job to complete, you are usually instructed to get the easy stuff out of the way first.  Well, my first objective in this place was/is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do:  forgive myself. 

Forgiving someone doesn’t always mean that they did something wrong.  As I was revealed to Me (I hope you got that ) through God’s Self Examination Mirror, I realized that I have been upset with Me over things I have no or little control over. 

When I was five years old, my baby brother was born.  I remember wanting to be happy about his birth, but a jealousy so strong and controlling seeped in.  All I could see is how everyone’s affections shifted from me to him.  For years to come, I tortured him because I believed that I was not sweet enough, pretty enough, loving enough to be loved.  I thought something was wrong with me. 

This form of self-hatred grew within me, while outside of me, grew a wall that was invincible.  My confidence was ruined.  I wasn’t shy or anything like that, but I never believed I was truly capable of successfully completing a task or having a love that would last.  I learned to sabotage relationships and jobs before friends, boyfriends, family, or supervisors could realize that I was not perfect. 

Whew!  This revelation and its depths hurt.  Revealing it brought back a lot of pain.  You know, sometimes it seems easier to just hold on to the pain—it’s constant, and reassuring.  I’d become so accustomed to pain, that I didn’t even realize it lived with me.  I see that I’ve been angry at myself for not being perfect. 

Wait a minute, God, are you sure?  I can be a true slacker in most areas of my life.  (As a matter of fact, I’m ready to stop writing blogs because though I love it, I have so much fear and doubt about your (the reader’s) interest level, despite what I hear.  I’m ready to sabotage it before it fails, honestly!)  So why is PEPERFCTION my issue?  I mean, how?  I know I’m not perfect, thus my messy life…

It’s Monday morning now, just a couple of hours before it’s time to post and I’m sitting here in my special spot, waiting for words to come…still waiting…maybe I won’t post this week?...

Then God speaks very faintly:

You want to give up because you don’t believe I’ll come through for you.  You’ve learned not to believe in yourself; therefore, you won’t trust what I can do through you.  But I Am PERFECT!

I’m crying.  Because it is true.  I don’t believe I’m able, worthy, or worth it.  I have been a killer of my own dreams and God’s promises for me. 

Now to let it go…

Y’all, this is hard.  My pains and regrets stick to my bones.  They have become a part of me.  I am tired of hurting me, especially when I know I’ll never be perfect here on this earth. 

‘’I am your perfection!” God pulls on my heart’s harp strings.  The music stops the tears and causes somewhat of a calm in me. 

I know what I must do.  I must forgive Me.  Realize that alone, I’m not able, worthy, or worth it.  But with God I can be…I mean, I am!

Take a deep breath and release…I FORGIVE MELVA!

There is still slack in the rope around my waist.  I know there’s more to explore…

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

**One Day I’ll Tell My Kids   Entry #4

Dear Cameron,

As I write you this letter, I am still amazed about what God has revealed to me about me:  I am not perfect and will not be perfect in this life, but God is my perfection!  That’s a big dose of medicine for your mama.

My thoughts now fall on you, my beautiful boy who was born into this world with so many challenges facing you.  For a long time, I blamed myself for your struggles. I thought I was the reason you suffered in so many ways—my failure to carry you to term, my failure to be a good mother.  Today, I know better.  Regardless, of God’s reasons for your early birth, or for all the trials you have gone through and still go through, I have always pushed you to be the best boy (not the best handicapped boy) you could possibly be.  I’ve always seen your potential.  I guess that’s the mom in me—I see you through God’s eyes. 

Don’t ever regret your struggles; they are just reasons for you to look to God and depend on Him.  When people look at you, they may not see “perfection”.  They may see a slight limp, notice your battle scars, or hear a difference in your speech.  You alone, are not perfect!  Neither am I (although our struggles are completely different).  You weren’t made to be…we weren’t made to be perfect.  We were made to depend on Jesus Christ for our perfection. 

Don’t ever look at yourself and think that you are not able, worthy, or worth it because you are!  And I knew that the day that you were born.  I’ve seen so much growth in you through the years.  You are a fighter, a learner, a fixer, and a teacher (you have taught me so much).  You make your mama so proud!  I love you my “perfect” baby! 

Let God be your perfection…

Love you much,

Mommy