This Place I Am In...Part II

This has been a week!   First God lead me to this place called Forgiveness; and instead of pushing me to forgive others, He showed me where I needed to forgive myself.  I was shocked to find that I’d delayed my own progression, but still I forgave me, with some prodding.
 
Forgiving myself wasn’t the hardest part, truly seeing myself was.  Once I realized how messed up I was because of self hatred, I knew my next step was to allow God to clean me up.  Humph, very difficult task to undergo!  I’d practiced so long and hard at not being great, and not being successful, and not being happy that I didn’t even know how or where to start the “change process”. 

Well, it didn’t take long before God took the matter of showing me where to start into his own hands.  He started with my mother. 

My mother returned from her vacation in Alaska just days before God stopped me in the place I am in.  My mom and I have always had an on again, off again love relationship.  Some years we were like best friends.  Other years we were like two ships in the night-- sounding our alarms and shinning our super bright lights to warn each other to keep a good distance a part in order to avoid collision. 

I am a lot like my mom in many ways.  For example, I am outspoken when it comes to my feelings and beliefs, I’m strong willed, and I can be quick and harsh with my words.  Don’t misunderstand me, my mom and I both have very good and positive attributes, also.  However, for this blog, the characteristics I’ve just listed help me get my point across.  To be frank, this season of my life, Mom and I have done nothing but bump heads.  (And I have a hard head!)

Shortly after God opened my eyes to me (like one day after), my mom started ruffling my feathers, like only a mother can do.  Throughout the week, she only seemed to aggravate me more and more.  It finally came to a head.  We exchanged harsh words.  (I wished she was still on vacation, anywhere, away from me!)

Here I am trying to swallow the ugliness of myself, and my mother is picking at my wound…just what I needed, right?  (I know I picked at a few of her scars, too.)

I was at my wits end.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to walk away from our relationship until another season.  That same ole “give-up” spirit wanted me to just cut the cords.  I almost did.  But my sister is in town.  She is my best friend.  To walk away from Mama now, meant giving up time with my sister.  (The three of us usually do things together.)  God allowed it to be that during this rough patch between Mama and me, there was something that I didn’t want to walk away from.  God made it so that “giving up” wasn’t easy. 

So what was left to do, but pray?  This is how God taught two lessons at once on forgiveness.

Friday night I lay in the bed praying about the situation.  Once again, I was shown me…

I am a tough mother (just like Mary, my mother).  And like my mother, I have a child who is a lot like me.  You remember the list?  Outspoken, strong willed, etc.  Therefore, my daughter and I (yep, she’s only six) often tussle (not physically, of course).  Anyway, God dealt with my willingness to walk away too easily (even from the ones I love the most) by showing me how my daughter, Chandler, was being taught (by me) to have the same weakness.  The way I deal with relationships would probably be how she deals with relationships as an adult.  What a blow!

I love my kids more than anything in this world!  Chandler is really special to me because she’s my little girl.  She’s fun-loving, compassionate, smart and funny.  The last thing I want for her is harm.  I am her role model.  But maybe I am not being such a good model? I have to let her see God’s perfection through me.  This way she has better chances at living a “whole” life.  Work on me, Lord!

My lesson was to surrender the “give-up” spirit, the just walk away attitude, and the sabotage it before it hurts too badly philosophy (not only for my future, but for my children’s futures).

There was another lesson to be learned here, though.  I had to forgive my mother.  God brought to my mind the scripture from I Corinthians, chapter 13 on love.  (Not this again!  My spirit had been bombarded with living this scripture during the last year of my marriage.  I only did okay, at times, with it then.)  So again, here I am at LOVE:  is patient, kind, never jealous, boastful, proud , or rude; isn’t selfish, quick tempered; doesn’t keep record of wrong; rejoices in truth, not evil; is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting; love never fails!

After meditating on that scripture, I realize that the problem between my mom and me is me…

I asked my mom to read my blog before I published it.  I never imagined that God would use something as simple as my writing to open a conversation about our relationship.  What God revealed through this conversation is and will be monumental in the “changing” of our dealings with each other and our understanding of one another.  We discussed a lot of things.  One thing that she made clear is that no matter what, she is my mother and she will always love and root for me.  I knew this, but somehow I allowed my idiosyncrasies to disregard these facts.  We don’t and won’t always see eye to eye, but she still deserves my respect and love, the I Corinthian’s kind of love, no matter what.  If I respect my mom we won’t bump heads!  And if I love (period), well, all problems solved!

It is obvious that that I don’t owe forgiveness only to Mama, but to many others that I’d given up on and refused to love (despite what offense I believed they dealt me).  What a lesson…So here goes:  I forgive myself!  I forgive You!  And I ask that you please forgive me for my wrongs to you! From now on, I am working towards loving you and myself God’s way.  So our offenses should be far and in-between in the very near future.

Now, Lord, can I leave this place?

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

**One Day I’ll Tell My Kids   Entry #5

Dear Chandler and Cameron,

In so many ways both of you are so much like me.  And like most mothers, I want you to be better than me in every way.  I want to preface this letter with an apology.  Though I have tried, I haven’t always taught by example.  I know that you have seen and heard things from me that don’t agree with God’s Word.  For these things I ask you to forgive me. 

It is weird, but even though I am 36 years old, in a way, I am growing up with you.  I am just learning some real life application lessons.  (Man, my hardships and their results make the Sunday School book’s life application section look like child’s play.)  Still, I thank God that I am learning these lessons now, while you are young.  My prayer is that you mimic my “change” more than you hold to the wrong things I have taught you through my actions and words in the past. 

Even at your tender ages, I know the situations and people that vex you.  I pray that as you mature in wisdom and understanding, you will be able to forgive those that hurt you, as well, as forgiving yourselves where and when you fall short.  Deal with people as God would lead you to deal with them—with love. 

One day, years down the road, I’ll be reminded of this week:  the week I chose to love.  And by then, I hope that I will be able to see in you both the fruit of my labor…

I love you more and more each day!

Love you much,

Mommy