What’s Love Got to Do With It

I lived in Louisiana for almost ten years.  I married, had children and made many friends there.  I really never saw myself leaving the state.  But it was in May 2011 that I packed my car full of the last of my children and my possessions, preparing to move back to my childhood home:  South Carolina.

My marriage had ended.  My husband moved out months prior.  I had no job, very little money, two children and false hope—a lot of false hope. 

My marriage, seemingly most of it, was very troubled.  In my opinion, my husband opened a lot of doors that allowed storms to enter our lives.  In all honesty, I not only opened some bad doors, too, but I walked through many that were left open by him.  We both were saved and in ministry; we both needed to be ministered to seriously!

When I realized that our marriage was at its breaking point, I began to try to fight for it.  I wanted my marriage to work.  I didn’t want to be a statistic of divorce.  I wanted my kids to have the luxury of growing up in a Christian home with Christian parents who loved them and each other.  My fight, however, was a losing battle.  He left me on March 3, 2011. 

Initially, I was relieved.  I was so tired, angry, humiliated and hurt.  It seemed to be my ticket out of Hell.  However, on the surface I was happy to be free, but deep, well hidden, in a room at the end of my soul’s hallway, I wanted him to come running back to me!  I wanted him to need and want me.  I wanted and expected him to have an epiphany that God’s plan was for us to overcome the odds and make our marriage last. 

I waited, but still on an early Thursday morning in May, I buckled my son (my daughter was already in South Carolina with my parents)into my over-loaded Sentra, then pulled out of my foreclosure pending driveway—my husband did not come to rescue me!  So, twelve and a half hours home, my first home, to live with my parents again (with my kids), I drove to Lake City, South Carolina. 

Home was almost just as I left it back in December 1999 (the year I graduated from college and moved to Maryland).  Though it was a boring little town it served as a place of peace for me and my kids.  I could actually clearly hear God’s voice again!  Those first months home were beautifully amazing.  I knew it was where I needed to be.  I secured a job within the school system pretty easily. (Thank God for favor!) And I began searching for a place that my children and I could call home.  

I really thought I was okay.  I’d even venture to say that I believed I was healed from all of my mess.  I’d bounced back!  Or so I naively thought.  (Secretly I made myself forget the nights that I still cried because my husband didn’t love me anymore, and there was nothing I could do to make him love me or want me.)

I blamed my husband for our separation.  I was angry and I believed I had a right to be.  All that he put me through…and my kids, especially my older child, my daughter, who simply adored her father was now suffering.  Yes, my anger towards him was justified, at least in my mind.

My separation left an empty place in me.  Like many females, all I wanted was to be loved by a man who would stand with me and for me despite my faults.  I wanted love!

I told myself and my friends that I was fine without a man, and that I preferred it that way for the time being.  Well, I was lying to myself and others.  The truth was that I wanted to be swept off of my feet.  In my heart I knew it was too soon to be thinking of new relationships.  One of the main reasons was because I wasn’t even divorced, only separated, and only for several months at that!  But still, I wanted to be loved so desperately…I did not want to be alone.  This desperation didn’t start when my husband left me.  It began when I first felt betrayed and abused by my husband.  That was long before he actually left.

That feeling of betrayal is a blow that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  It tore me up inside.  I allowed each betrayal to push me further and further away from who I really was.  I started to define myself and my marriage by my hurt and pain.  I was both too committed and too prideful to leave, though.  I was drowning in my own self pity.  This led to my demise as a woman…Jonathan and Mary Brown’s daughter…a Christian. 

Remember I told you that I opened some bad doors during my marriage, too.  Yes, my husband had already made it clear to me that he was done, but we were still married and sleeping in the same bed.  (Although we were no longer intimate.)  I used as an excuse, all the times he’d stepped out on me to condone my emotional desire to have love at any cost.

Confession:  During my marriage (while we were together) I reached out emotionally to other men (nothing physical, but sinful just the same).   I was determined to be longed for.  It wasn’t an intentional “reaching out,” but still I allowed the Devil to fool me and make me think I could find love outside my home.  One such example of my foolish actions was shortly after I knew my marriage was over.  I contacted an old lover.  Old, like high school/college boyfriend.  My intentions were pure, at first.  We would talk and catch-up and laugh together.  Each day I couldn’t wait until we had the opportunity to talk.  The more we talked, the more we became emotionally attached.  It happened so quickly.  It seemed to me that I’d accepted the wrong man as my husband.  This old friend was obviously the one I should have waited to spend my life with, right?

Why was it that I felt as if I had to have a man?  What was missing from my life?  I had two beautiful children, family and friends that loved and supported me, and not to mention, God!  Why wasn’t that enough for me? Why did I have such a strong desire to be loved?

Anyway, this telephone relationship lasted about three months before it fizzled out.  Before I even moved back home, I think we both understood that we were using each other to fill empty spaces in our hearts.  He’d recently lost his mother, and I lost my husband.  We began to hurt each other (unintentionally, I’m sure) because that is what hurting people do: hurt each other.

I have now accepted my part in the failure of my marriage.  It was a hard pill to swallow.  Wrong doesn’t negate wrong.  Doing things God’s way is the only way.  Some might say, “Girl, I understand.”  Maybe you have even been in a similar situation.  Well, I am glad that there are those that understand.  But please don’t condone my sin.  Don’t brush it away because so many people have done it.  By admitting my wrong, I know I have grown up a little more.  A big step for me and I am proud!

I’m sharing all of this so that you understand my realness.  I was and I am saved by Jesus Christ, but I am nothing if I don’t allow Him to lead me.  I was and I am a strong on the outside, broken on the inside idea of a person.  Idea?  I have an idea of who God wants me to be, but until I allow Him to manifest His idea of who I am in my life, I will only be a plan, an idea—missing the mark of becoming a real, true, walking, talking reality of God’s greatness!

So what’s love got to do with it?  Everything! 

Read next week to see how because of love or the lack of it, I walked through a door that is changing my life forever…

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

**One Day I’ll Tell My Kids…    Entry #1

Dear Chandler,

One day you will fall madly, head over heels in love with a man. (And I pray he feels the same towards you!)  It will be the most beautiful sensation that you have experienced with another person.  Cherish that love; hold it close to your heart and protect it against all odds.  But most importantly, Chandler, remember your first love: Jesus!  It is Jesus who has taught you to love this man oh, so freely.  It is also Jesus who taught you the magical lesson of forgiveness when He died on the cross for your many sins.  So may your heart be gentle towards this man that you have chosen to allow into your heart when he stumbles and falls.  Help him up with loving hands.  But don’t allow his weaknesses to change who you are in Christ—who God has molded you to be.  No matter what the day brings in your love affair, know that your first love will never, ever fail you!  He will be there when no one else remains…you won’t have to go searching for a new love because inside of you, you have the ultimate lover.  Remember, my dear baby girl, you were loved before the world even began.  Let that be enough…and God will do the rest!

Love you much,

Mommy