Celeste Angelle: My Celestial Angel

Being a mother is something very special.  The moment you find out that you are pregnant, despite all of the emotions and maybe confusion, you are a mother.  You have a bond unlike any other in the entire universe.  You and that baby connect on a level that only other mothers can truly understand.  So, equally the loss of a child is probably the hardest thing a mother could ever go through.  It doesn't matter at what stage in the process of life that you lose your baby, it still hurts...deep. 

My life has changed.  As you know, I was pregnant.  I fought hard to carry my baby girl full term to increase her chances of being born healthy.  I prayed, I took it easy, I did what the doctor instructed.  (Thanks so very much to those who prayed with me.)  On November 1, 2013 at 12:17 pm, I gave birth to my third miracle child:  Celeste Angelle Wilson.  She was 6 pounds and 13 ounces.  She was HEALTHY!  Her birth was one of the happiest moments of my life!  But although she was born healthy, her life was short lived. 

My beautiful, healthy baby became sick--meningitis.  Once I recognized that something was wrong..., well, she died.  She died on November 10th, 2013 at 3 pm.  She was 9 days old.

I was devastated.  I was confused.  I was angry.  I am horribly hurting still...

So, as encouraged to do by those who believe in purpose, I write, I share, I grieve through words.  I release some of my feelings, the ones that I can let out.  This is my therapy.  So please excuse what may not be right...my baby has died. 

Below is a little of what is boiling over in me.  Please pray my strength...I am an overcomer!

How Are You Today?

Have you ever given someone exactly what he expected or what he wanted to hear?  You did it denying what is real because the truth has the power to deem you as crazy.  Who wants to be crazy?  Maybe instead of giving him the truth, you give the Christian response to his question:  God still reigns or God will make everything all right!  Tragedy causes one to evaluate her answers.  So do I present him with a neatly wrapped gift—a myth, or stick him with the truth that screams from the tip of my tongue for freedom? 

He may ask a simple question with eyes and emotions filled with concern:  “How are you today?”  

Such a simple question, but yet time pauses and my mind races, searching for a reply.  I know he wants the best for me, but still I know he’d rather accept my lie.  What if maybe, just maybe I told the truth instead of the lie? 

How am I today?  Well, each morning brings a new heartbreak wrapped in memories.  When night finally falls it is so dark-so dark…and I can’t see through the thick blackness that smothers my thoughts complete.  I must choose every day to live on through this.  I must choose. Life, living… doesn’t come naturally for me anymore.  My tears easily flow at the mention of her sweet name.  I still shake and sweat with a pain that I can’t relieve.  People tell me that it takes time.  Time will release me.  Only time they say.  Yet, life goes on for you.  But not me; I wait for time.

How am I today?  Well, today I don’t want to go on.  Yep, sometimes I want to just die.  No, I really mean die.  Give up this hurt that lies deep inside of me. However, instead of dying, I sit and remember her sweet little face with her soft innocent eyes.

Would you hold me please?  Just let me cry in your arms?  Be careful of your answer, we may be here for a while.  My loss is so deep. It is more than you see or even feel with your free, living, blood beating heart.  My loss is deep: her very existence and death started and ended with me.  She is passed on now, and I’m suppose to go back to normal: work, church, and mothering.  Not that simple, though.  I am not the same.  A part of me has been removed.  It will not be returned until the Great By and By.  How long?  How long before my loss disappears and my nostrils once again are filled with her scent?  How long before my broken heart reconnects with the missing piece to my living?  Right now, I know she is not coming back, so I continue to exist with this constant hurt and a heart filled with death’s sorrow and grief’s pain.  I just don’t know how to go on again.  How do I move from this place I’m now in?

But no matter what I feel, I will go on.  I must.  Not much of a choice here.  I’ll live for my kids—the ones I still have.  Still, when I hold the two left with me close, I remember my baby’s cry that was comforted by my warm loving embrace.  I remember her tears that dried because of the melodies I sang to her about God’s love and grace. 

How am I today? I don’t think you really want to know.  Because you would realize that you are not able to be my healing balm.  I’m not mad at you, though.  I just thought you would want to know that when you ask me how I’m doing, you may not like my response.

So, he may ask a simple question with eyes and emotions filled with concern:  “How are you today?”  

Such a simple question, but yet time pauses and my mind races, searching for a reply.  I know he wants the best for me, but still I know he’d rather accept my lie.

I’m okay.

I’m fine.

I’m holding on.

Those are the words I say, but now you know what’s really going on.  

~Melva Brown

This has been Melva's TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news:  Jesus is!

 

One Day I'll Tell My Kids       Entry # 11

Chandler and Cameron,

You have taught me a great lesson.  No matter how well or how poorly I mother you from day to day, you still love me.  You love me--your mother, with a passionate, desperate, comforting and pure love.  You love me when my foundation is sure, solid, and rooted.  You love me when I am shaky, insecure, and wavering.  You love me...unconditionally. 

A child's love is so simple.  Children love just because...

Through you, during this rainy season of our lives, I have witnessed and felt God's love for me.  Such a miracle.  Although I may not always smile or understand why...I will never forget what God has done through you--for me.  You, Chan and Cam, have saved me...your love...keeps me sane...keeps me near...gives me hope.

Thank you!  Thank you from my heart! 

Love you much,

Mommy

 

 

 

 

Exercising My Faith

Sit ups, push- ups, jogging in place,… tread mills, ellipticals, and Zumba on Tuesday nights…exercise, exercise, healthy and fit…exercise, exercise, keep my body in shape!  Whoo, I’m tired just thinking about exercising.  Although I have never been an exercise freak, I must admit that it is good for the body and mind.  But oh, the pain of the next level…who wants to think about that?  Weekly on Facebook I see friends posting pictures of their good workouts; I guess, they post to encourage those of us who have not joined the movement?  I’m always proud of them and their results, but it rarely makes me move from my couch with my chips and Pepsi.  Sad…I know!  But true! 

Maybe if I had an exercise coach? Wait a minute; I do have an exercise coach.   My coach pushes me to the limit rather I attend Zumba class or not.  He doesn’t take no for an answer.  Thus where I am today:  working through, standing strong, keeping the faith, staying positive through my tests and trials. 

Just like exercise, I have never enjoyed taking tests or going through trials, but this time around I am looking at the situation a little differently.  My tests and trials are strengthening exercises for my faith in God.  I get it now…I accept it.  Anything for you God!

Monday a week ago I got up and prepared for work as I do each week day.  I dropped my five and six year olds off at school, and then slowly walked into my school building feeling the pressure of the world in my womb.  As you know, I am pregnant.  Last week I was 32 weeks pregnant.  I was so excited!  I had made it thirty-two weeks!  You see, my first baby was delivered at 32 weeks and my second baby was delivered at 28 weeks.  The odds were that my third child could be born earlier than even the 28 weeks.  So beating the odds and making it again to 32 weeks was very monumental for me.  I was praising God, yet I felt the pressure…my unborn baby was pushing again.  No, it wasn’t the first time I had felt her. 

I won’t say that I ignored signs by continuing to work.  I would say that I simply looked to God and kept moving forward.  My prayer during this pregnancy is to carry my baby 40 weeks-- to term!  Not only do I want to experience a full term pregnancy, I want my baby to be healthy, and I also look forward to bringing my new baby girl home with me when I am released from the hospital.  I‘ve never done that.  Chandler, my older child, stayed in the NICU for 18 days, and Cameron, my baby (bless his heart), remained hospitalized for nine and a half months!  There is nothing in me that looks forward to having anything similar happen this time.

A couple of weeks prior to last Monday morning, people started to suggest that my baby had dropped. (That usually means that the baby is preparing for birth, so people, not my doctor, say.)  I think I saw that change, but I’m not sure.  All I knew then was that I had a little over two months to go in my pregnancy.  My doctors at the time where not concerned about anything in particular so I kept moving…yes forward.   

I was moving forward, but people seemed to want to be my doctors.  I was always hearing, “Oh, you are not going to make it to your due date,” or “That baby is coming early!”  It didn’t seem to matter that they knew why I was holding out for November (because of my complicated history with childbirth).  I would become irritated easily.  I just wanted people to do like me and hope/pray for the best. God’s best!  I understand that God allows early births, just like He allows other things to happen in our lives that we don’t always understand or want.  But does that mean we don’t focus on His best for us?  Of course not!  When I pray, I pray that I will have a wonderful healthy pregnancy that results with a wonderful healthy baby.  That is God’s will, no matter what He allows to happen.  People just don’t get that though.  They focus on what they see or think…I’m sorry, I refuse to go there.  I don’t have to accept reality because my God produces miracles! 

Chandler was not only born early, but her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice and it was also in a knot.  She lived, against man’s odds.  Cameron was also born early with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.  He wasn’t breathing.  The doctors had given up on him just hours after his birth.  No one including me thought he’d live, but he did.  Then the doctors didn’t think that he’d thrive.  He did!  Miracles!  Miracles, I say, do you hear me?  I have been blessed against odds.  So I have no choice but to believe that God can and will do it again!  My faith in this area is strong!  I speak only the Word of God over my life and my children’s lives.  And still, I am mature enough to accept whatever God allows.  I know that this pregnancy is just another exercise to get me to where God wants me to be.

As I digress, I ask those who speak, maybe without thinking of how words affect others, to choose to speak God’s Word only.  After this experience and realizing how it makes me feel to hear people hypothesize over my life and situation, I am definitely choosing to speak life…through God’s life- giving Word!

Okay, so back to Monday a week ago…I made it through Monday and on to Tuesday.  Tuesday, I had an afternoon doctor’s appointment.  The appointment went well.  My doctor who is a praying Christian encouraged me to remain focused on my goal.  He even told me he would pray for me specifically.  (Not because he expected the worse, but because I‘d shared with him my irritation with others.)  After my doctor’s appointment, I had to go take a Non Stress Test at the hospital because of my past history with pre-term births.  Wouldn’t you know it, after leaving my doctor’s office in good spirits, my baby didn’t pass her Non Stress Test.  I had an ultrasound, and she didn’t pass that either.  More tests and trials...Immediately, I wanted to become stressed and worried.  (Remember, the test and trials are my exercises…)  But a really small voice inside of me reassured me that my future and my baby’s future was in God’s hands.  Just like that I let go.  I was able to laugh and smile.   My faith in Christ allowed that!  Proof that I am getting stronger.  What you don’t know is that not only did the baby fail her tests, but I was having contractions and I had started to dilate.  Yep!  It looked like all those people were right.  I looked like they knew what they were talking about.  Yet, still, I chose and choose to hold to God’s Word.  It is His will that I prosper and not be harmed, and all things work together for my good.  I left the hospital on Tuesday night, and my baby is still where she needs to be today!  Praise God!  I feel like shouting!!! 

So I have 7 more weeks to go…I have been put back on bed rest. (I was on bed rest at the onset of this pregnancy.)  That means I am making no money right now.  Bummer…but God!  He knew this!  I have no doubt that that’s why I am living with my parents again.  Without their help I can’t imagine what I’d do right now.  I am exercising my faith and trust in God.  Only looking forward…forward…forward!  Things aren’t going the way I planned, but to the glory of God they are going!  And I have no doubt that God is my Orchestrator--my Exercise Coach!!  No doubt! 

Pray for me and baby girl.  Join my faith train—speaking only God’s Word over situations!  I am 33 weeks and two days…reaching for forty weeks!  Your prayers are appreciated!  The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results (James 5:16b).

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

 
One Day I’ll Tell My Kids              Entry #10

Dear Kids,

I am so happy that God saw fit to give you to me.  Chandler and Cameron, you both had rough starts, but God blessed you and me, and we made it through. Unborn baby girl, I have faith that you will enter this world healthy and happy, but I want you to know that it wasn’t with ease that you arrived.  I am having  to trust God and my doctors the entire time.  You just seem so anxious to get here right now, but with my taking it easy and trying to live a stress free life (haha—as much as possible), I know that you will hold out, and I thank God in advance for that right now!  Thank You, Jesus!

Chan and Cam, when you were born, I didn’t speak life into my situation from my heart.  Yes, I quoted scriptures and asked people to pray for me, but what God’s Word was capable of had not yet been manifested in my life to the point that I could understand it and stand on it.  But with you Baby Girl, I am in a different place.  I now not only pray God’s Word, but I believe God’s Word no matter what the outcome.  I trust God with all of our lives. 

As you all grow up, I want you to learn to put all of your trust in the Lord.  Don’t focus on the situation or what people say, no matter how dim it looks.  Remember that God brought you three out of dim looking situations and because He is the same God, He can do it again.  Speak His Word into your lives and the lives of others; it’s the only way to go.  The power of life and death is in the tongue.  I have no doubt that God will work according to your faith.  And even when things don’t turn out the way you would like, know that God is still in control and He doesn’t make any mistakes.  Your lives are my testimonies…

And remember your tests and trials only work to exercise you faith!

Love you much,

Mommy

 

An Opportunity to Love

I am reminded of a biblical story where Peter denied Jesus, not one, not two, but three times; all before the cock crowed.  When thinking of this story I never once took time to think about how Jesus must have felt to have his follower, his friend, his apprentice in the ministry to act as if he didn’t even know him.  I simply only thought of Jesus as God, not as man.  Sitting here, as I reflect on the story, that denial must have been a very hurtful feeling for Jesus.  I say that because not only was he God, but he also was one hundred percent human and capable of feeling the very same hurt and sadness that the rest of us feel.  I can imagine how I would feel if someone that I talked with daily, cried with, laughed with , or loved one day decided that she was too scared, ashamed, or embarrassed to any longer associate with me.  I have had similar experiences.  The difference though, is the way I reacted to the hurt and the way Jesus reacted.  I have become angry and allowed hurt, regret and sadness to fester in me towards those that have hurt me in the past.  Jesus, on the other hand, forgave and loved through the cross.  And to go even further, Peter, after denying Jesus three times, was appointed to preach on the day of Pentecost—a day that brought thousands to the saving knowledge of Christ.  Now that’s love!

For weeks now, I have been open to loving God’s way.  I call it the "1 Corinthians 13 Way".  It has not been easy, but most of my love challenges have revolved around my family and close friends—people who are dear to me.  However, recently, a Christian associate of mine highly offended me by speaking very negatively about someone I love.  I became angry—very angry.  Really, like fighting mad!  I was pissed off!  I wanted to confront the person and give a piece of my mind.  I was already rehearsing in my mind just what I would say and how I would say it. And depending on how the person reacted to me confronting him/her, I also thought about what I would do.  (For those that know me well, you know that some ugly words and ideas were floating around in this big head of mine.)

After most of the day’s passing, I had calmed down a bit.  I was still angry though, but not as hyper.  During the day, God through family members reminded me that I could be angry, but I should sin not.  I had to get control of myself.  If I didn’t get a handle on my emotions, I am not sure that I could have come in contact with this person and not have caught a charge.  Late that night as I lay in the bed, I remembered a young friend’s thought of me:  she referenced the fact that some parts of my character did not match up with the gospel of Christ that I liked to share.  (In other words, yes I am holy because of God, but often times my actions don’t match holiness; and that’s what people see. Thanks, Jada for being used by God, even if you didn’t realize it.)  Anyway, that made me simmer right on down.  Don’t get me wrong, the anger didn’t just disappear, but I did begin to pray for God to help me handle things as a Christ follower should.  I slept peacefully. 

The next morning, as I prepared for work, I stepped into the shower and God spoke to my heart:  Thank me for the opportunity to love.

I broke down and repented for my sinful thoughts and attitude.

I have been allowing God to teach me to love, and I thought that I was doing something because what I was doing wasn’t easy.  What I didn’t realize is there is so much more to love.  I have to choose to love even when I am fighting mad!  Love has to be my choice!  I asked God to teach me to love effectively and unbeknownst to me, he gave me an opportunity through a tough situation, and I almost flunked the assignment.  But oh, when I saw what I could achieve through loving someone who not only hurt me or disappointed me, but totally angered me, I knew that loving the person was the only way to grow.  I made up in my mind, standing right there in the shower to love and love hard.  I still didn’t like what was said or how it made me feel, but I made the choice to love even though.  That’s what Jesus did for Peter.  And God knows that’s what He did for me!

But my lesson didn’t end there; God showed me myself, and all of my shortcomings.  Do I still deserve to be loved?  Do I want to be loved?  Does He still grant me love?

My sin is no different from this fellow Christian’s sin.  He/She is holy because God has called him/her to be holy, just like me.  I may not have offended a brother or a sister with ugly words (recently), but have I not offended God with my sin?  Am I totally innocent?  NO!

Love is sometimes granting mercy covered with humbleness and understanding.  Even if you are much more mature than he who offends you, you are still without sin.  Yet, Jesus chose to love you. 

Whoo!

That morning in the shower, I let my anger go, and I grabbed hold to the opportunity to love for the  betterment of me and God’s Kingdom. 

Choose to love even when…

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

 One Day I'll Tell My Kids         Entry #9

Dear Cameron,

You have come so far in this short life of yours.  God has done for you the things that man said couldn’t or wouldn’t be done.  You are one very blessed little boy. 

When you were a bit younger, I endured some negative comments about your situation.  There were some people who even had negative things to say about me and how I was handling your challenges. What people said or thought concerning you often times hurt me to the core.    You are still young, but one day you may recognize that some people will hurt you with words and actions, and sometimes do it intentionally.  But don’t you lose heart! Instead, be encouraged knowing that God is giving you an opportunity to show just how beautiful and wonderfully made you are! 

You are different, and people don’t always understand how God works through our differences.  You can be a vessel for God to those with a lack of understanding, if you allow God to lead your heart.  Don’t let your emotions and feelings overtake you.  Be rooted and grounded in Christ; always choosing to express His character.  Only believe what He has to say about you!  That is the ONLY TRUTH as far as I am concerned.  And choose to love because it is one thing that is promised to never fail. 

Be strong in the power of His might, my son.   Be strong…

Love you much,

Mommy

Hold On to Your Dreams

29 weeks pregnant!

The average young girl anticipates the day that her Prince Charming will walk into her life.  She plans her wedding in detail:  her dress, her bride’s maids, her reception, even her guest list.  She day dreams of the romantic honeymoon her beau will gift her with for both of their pleasures.  The wedding is such an important day for an average girl.  One day all of her dreams will come true…

I was no different.  The importance of love, marriage, and a happy life with the man of my dreams was always at the fore-front of my mind.  Even when I chose not to date, it was so that God could prepare me for Mr. Right, not because I wasn’t thinking of him or didn’t have time for a man.

I met the one I thought was Mr. Right.  I fell in love so quickly.  It was hard not to fall head first in love.  My mister was bold, confident, charming, and totally into me—all I thought I ever wanted.  Finally, it was my time to be in love forever!

I recall my wedding day.  I awoke early that morning beside my husband –to- be.  Yep, we were sleeping together, but not the way you think.  You see, we both had chosen to not have sex until we were wed.  We had finally made it to the very day that all of our holding out would be over.  Later that day we would be able to let go and enjoy. Ah…but that’s another story.  Anyway, we got up and went our separate ways.  There were plenty of things we had to complete before our 5 pm wedding. 

Yes, by this time much of the running around should have been over.  But only a week had passed since we decided to marry quickly, so things were undone.  The week prior to our wedding was the week that Hurricane Katrina decided to wreak havoc on the gulf coast.  Baton Rouge had a lot of wind damage, therefore, we’d been out of school and out of work for a week.  But that didn’t mean blissful freedom; everything, our stores, restaurants, and other businesses were out of commission for the most part.  I had stayed with my then boyfriend for the entire week.  So when things were up and running again I didn’t want to go home.  I realized just how comfortable I was living with him. 

It was early September.  I had been engaged since the previous July.  (Our marriage counseling had already been completed.)  We originally had planned our wedding for December.  However, after this brief, but beautiful stay together during a storm where most of the time we had no electricity, we realized that we just couldn’t wait.  We spoke to our parents to make sure that they wouldn’t mind if we had a quick (quick in every since of the word) ceremony.  They were in agreement probably because they wanted to please us.  (Sometimes when I look back, I wish someone would have told us to be patient and wait, maybe just maybe I would have seen something that I couldn’t live with.  But oh, well.)

So we moved the wedding date up…way up.  We would be married the next Saturday. 

So, okay, back to my wedding day…My Louisiana bestie and I met at the mall and did a little shopping in preparation for the day and especially the night. My fiancé and I married on September 3, 2005.  I had no family present.  (I did have two very close friends with me, though.)  It was the happiest day of my life!

In retrospect, however, I see that I so willingly gave up all of my dreams for love.  I didn’t take a stand for the things that I had wanted my entire life.  No family at my wedding.  No bride’s maids. No flowers and none of the sort. No honeymoon.   I left my dreams behind and it was only shortly after marrying that I regretted it. 

Poor shame.  Not only don’t have my dreams of wedding bliss, but I also no longer have a husband…

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

One Day I'll Tell My Kids         Entry #9

Dear Chandler and Baby Girl,

Dreams are special.  They are our hopes for the future.  When we are young we all begin to build our lives around our dreams.  Some dreams change.  Some dreams die.  Other dreams simply mature into your futures. 

I believe that your dreams and hopes are from God because I have given you to Him.  I believe that He places your thoughts and desires in your minds and your hearts.  Therefore, I don’t take what you hope for lightly.  I don’t want you to take your aspirations lightly either.  The dreams that grow and mature inside of you are the dreams that I want you to fight for.  The dreams that you hold to now may someday be a part of you.  Don’t give up on the things that God has placed in you, for me, for friends, or even for your Prince Charmings. 

Know what it is that you want realistically.  Prepare for those things.  And hold on tight.  Many things may come and go, but the fullfillment of your dreams will always be a part of you!  Go after your dreams!

Love you much,

Mommy

 

Want, Need and Desire

 

Every since I was young girl, I have been sensitive to how other people felt about me.  I wanted people to like me, to love me.  I always desired to be someone’s number 1!  I know my parents love/loved me, but they also loved three other children.  I needed to feel extra special.  I guess many people would say that I dealt with “middle child syndrome”.  I suppose I would agree.  Still, I spent my childhood and a large portion of my adult life searching for love in any form:  family love, friendship, or even special relationships with males. 

There were times when I was happy.  Maybe I met a new friend or boyfriend (even my ex-husband) and he/she would adore me for an extended period of time, but the interest would eventually dull and often times completely pass for whatever reasons; thus leaving me lonely and searching again. 

No too many years ago, I realized that I was really “needy”.  At the time, I was married and had several good friends, but I found that my desire for love just couldn’t be quenched.  But still, like a fool, I kept searching…

I look around now, and I consider all the beautiful people God has allowed me to have relationships with, and I still feel lonely.  I fear that I’ll always be alone. 

This weekend, all of my immediate family members and their kids are in town, unfortunately, except my younger brother.  I love spending time with these people.  We laugh, eat, laugh, talk about God, and laugh some more together.  Good wholesome family time!  Today our family time comes to an end.  They are leaving.  When my kids and I return home after school, they will be gone.  Yes, they’ll be back to visit, but I’ll miss them so much while they are gone!

I feel like I must sound so very pitiful to you.  I’m not begging for friends.  Friendships come and go, but I know something is missing from my life.  Today as I write, (I mean it—as I am writing) I understand where God wants me to go.  He can’t or won’t lead me there.  He wants me to go, on my own free will, to the place where I want, need, and desire Him alone.  I do understand that we as people need each other.  God made us for one another.  However, when one’s want, need and desire for others overpower our want, need, and desire for Him, well, that is called idolism—putting other gods above the one and true God.  News flash: I have put others before God!  That is my problem. 

The Bible says:  But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (Mark 6:33).

God is all I need! Accepting this fact gives me so much hope for my future! 

It seems like God is always showing me something else that needs attention in my life.  I will work hard on the outside, as He continues to work on the inside!  God is my perfection…

This has been Melva’s Truth.

Remember:  I am not the good news, Jesus is!

 

One Day I’ll Tell My Kids              Entry #8

Dear Chandler and Cameron,

Today is your first day of first grade and kindergarten.  I am so excited for you!  You are both taking very big steps, and you have been well equipped to successfully climb to the top. 

I know that in life you will make and desire friendships with people around you, especially now that school is back in session.  Always be yourselves and allow God’s spirit to reign inside of you.  The light of God always attracts people. 

Chandler, I know that you have been waiting and wishing for a best friend.  That person will come into your life, soon, I am sure.  When you connect with this person(s) (they may change throughout the years) have fun with her.  Be real with her, but always remember that Jesus is the best friend that you will ever have.  Your friends may come and go, but God will remain constant.  So even when you find that you don’t have any special friends, fret not, God is just giving you time to get closer to Him.  And in due season the right friends will increase your life richly!

Cameron, you have chosen two of your older female cousins as your best friends, for now.  Beautiful…Why?  Because I know that they are being raised to love God and themselves as God would have all of us do.  When you begin to make friends outside of our family circle, choose friends that will be pleasing to God.  Let your friends have the same moral and Christian characteristics that I have instilled in you.  Only allow people into your life that will help you grow in character.  Most of all, Cam, enjoy your life and friends, while you enjoy God first!

Love you much,

Mommy

Do-Over

My summer vacation is officially over.  Today, I headed back to work for the 2013-14 school year.  As I sat in our first district assembly meeting,

I listened to what our educational leaders expected from us this school year.  Our district’s educational grade for the last school year was an "F".  Low blow, despite all the reasons we can come up with to explain why the grade isn’t fair.  Sitting there, I thought of my life.  What grade would I give myself for the past few years?  Well, let’s be fair…What grade would someone else give me?  Probably an “F”. 
Just like my school system, I have to make some changes.  (I’ve actually already started.)  The hardest part of change is letting go of the things that are comfortable, and starting over from scratch.  Scratch is just about where I am.  This week I’m in the process of packing up my house in preparation to move back home with my parents once again.  I just recently made this decision, and I am still questioning my choice daily.  I know that moving home is what’s best.  I’m pregnant, single, and I have two busy children.  I need help!  Moving home also affords me the luxury of saving money in order to one day purchase the home of my dreams.  So, why am I apprehensive?  Because it’s uncomfortable, scary and challenging! But I need the change, badly!

Let’s be clear, my moving back home is not only a physical change, but it is most definitely a spiritual change. 

You know the story of the Israelites and how they traveled around the same mountain for 40 years, well, I am an Israelite, re-doing that which I haven’t perfected.  I’m not just moving home for help or savings, but moving home allows God to continually humble me and teach me the lessons that somehow I missed or was too hard-headed to learn. 

Packing this week, in the natural, I realize that I have a lot of things that I need to get rid of permanently.  I have clothes galore—things I wear, things I haven’t worn, and things I will probably never wear.  I have mountains of letters, cards, bills and the like, too many shoes, pictures, drawings, and other old and unnecessary memories which for the most part all amount to STUFF…too much STUFF.  Those that are helping me pack have to persuade me to give up some of these things that I have accumulated through the years.  For me this is tough, but I have no choice… mainly because my parents won’t allow me to bring all of my “stuff” into their home again. 

God is doing the same thing spiritually in me.  He is removing and deleting everything thing that I can’t take with me to my next stop on this journey—everything that separates me from Him!  He is cleansing me of myself, bad habits, faulty thinking, and some friends.  This is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but down this path I must tread.  I am determined no matter how hard it is to be better…much better. 

Pray for me; this purging is with hyssop (Psalm 51:7).

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

 Remember:  I am not the good news, Jesus is!

***One Day I Will Tell My Kids       Entry #7

Dear Chandler,

Between you and Cameron, you are most like me.  We have so much in common until it is scary.  The very things that I love about me, you seemingly received a double portion.  Unfortunately, the things that aggravate me about myself, I also see in you. Like any mother, I want you to better than me in every way.  

The first piece of advice I want to give you in this letter is to adhere to all the Godly wisdom given to you by those who love you and love Christ.  I know people say that we learn through experience, but some lessons can be trusted/learned through those that have already traveled those roads.  You don’t have to make the same mistakes that I have made.  You are an individual.  Make your own decisions based on the Word of God.  Receive wisdom from those around you. Don’t follow in my bad footsteps. 

Jesus broke the curse of generational curses when He died for you.  Don’t pick back up those things that you have been delivered from.  It is not worth it.  You don’t want to have to travel around the same mountain for 40 years…but if for some reason, you find that you are circling the mountain for the second or the third time, resolve to learn the lesson.  Be willing to do what is necessary to get out of the wilderness.

Take it from Mommy and learn from my errors.

Love you much,
Mommy

Transparency

My summer away from work is quickly coming to an end.  It seems that time has flown by, but yet I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with so many issues in my life.  This has definitely been my summer of self reflection.  I have had to prepare for some difficult transitions, and as grueling as change can be, I must say that my experiences have been refreshing. 

I know that God is not through with me yet, but for once (at least in a long time), I feel like I am truly on the right path to pleasing Him.   I have been humbled through my divorce, my pregnancy, and my many on-going heart issues.  I don’t think I have ever felt so lowly (in a positive way).  Being able to openly share my shortcomings with you has been liberating. 

People ask me why I feel the need to blog, and there are others who feel I have ulterior motives attached to my writing.  Well, to the “nay sayers,” I say that I have no ulterior motives.  God led me to blog, first for me.  I needed releases from bondages of my sin, my past, my mind, and my heart.  It is not my intention to harm anyone or put anyone down.  Really, you don’t get the whole story most of the time because of my caution.  I am not writing to bring anyone else down or to tell their business.  I just aim to tell my story, to hum my melody.  And yes, sometimes my melody has intertwined with others’ melodies, but that’s life.  Still, I only give you what is necessary for your understanding.  I am sorry that you may not trust my intent, but that doesn’t change the truth of the matter:  God chose my blogging to reach me!  I am thankful.

Side Note:  My younger brother and I were talking shortly before I started this blog.  God was already dealing with me.  I was heavy with guilt and embarrassment.  My little brother stated that one of the problems with the church is that it (we) are not transparent.  We attend services in our best suits, praise God with our highest praises, and even listen to messages on mercy and grace.  But we rarely hear the admittance to struggle or to sin in our lives.  Why is that?  Is it because we only want people to see the end result of God’s work in us, the good part of us?  My brother went on to say that maybe if the world could see us through our good and bad, the idea of grace would take on a stronger meaning for them.  He was not saying that we should be proud of our mess, but that the beauty of the gospel is that God still loves you while he cleans up your mess.  It is His grace that saves us not our ability to clean our own mess, or even stay out of mess for that matter.  His grace is the favor that we don’t deserve, but even when we are down, He freely gives His grace to those who have chosen to follow Him. My brother’s words helped me to step out.  I believe that God was speaking through him. I was to let people see the real me.  I was to let people see the messed up me that God had not forgotten.  The me that God still loves.  The me that God can still work in and through.  Wow!  What an awesome God I serve!

Still, there are those in the majority who applaud my truth and sincerity.  You have supported me through prayer and encouraging words, or simply by sharing your stories and experiences with me.  I want you to know you have encouraged me and I truly appreciate you!  I never imagined that so many people would care about what I go though, or that you’d ever be open enough to share with  me what you go through, but you have.  I have been blessed by you more than you will ever know.  Thank you!

As my schedule busies again with work in the coming week, I wonder how God is going to work on me.  I know He still has plenty of stops for me on our journey.  Where are we going?  I anticipate my next stop now.  That doesn’t mean that I am not apprehensive or nervous because I am.  However, I am willing to let go, and stop pulling against God.  I now am ready to just let him lead, and I follow.  Who knows, maybe soon I’ll even graduate to Him removing this rope from around my waist…but I still have the feeling that He’s gonna have to pull me somewhere I just don’t want to go.  But for the betterment of me and the glory of God, I’ll keep moving.

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news, Jesus is!

***One Day I Will Tell My Kids                 Entry #6

Dear Kids,

Becoming men and women for God is a beautiful thing, but it is not always going to be easy.  There will be times that you mess up badly.  Don’t let shame push you into a corner.  When you mess up, look to God!  I don’t care how He instructs you, do what He says.  It is for your good.  It may seem hard or embarrassing or even crazy, but still do it!  Do it knowing that God has a plan for you and it is for your good. 

Once you accept Christ, don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you.  It is a done deal!  It doesn’t matter how many times you fall or how long you stay there.  Just be willing to get up.  The Bible says that a righteous man falls seven times.  (Yet, God still calls him righteous!) Remember that your transparency is what will help lead you to victory, and I believe it will lead others to Christ!

I know that each of you have great purpose!  Block out what negative people have to say, and maybe what your own conscience says, too, and follow God to your destination.

Love you much,

Mommy

 

This Place I Am In...Part II

This has been a week!   First God lead me to this place called Forgiveness; and instead of pushing me to forgive others, He showed me where I needed to forgive myself.  I was shocked to find that I’d delayed my own progression, but still I forgave me, with some prodding.
 
Forgiving myself wasn’t the hardest part, truly seeing myself was.  Once I realized how messed up I was because of self hatred, I knew my next step was to allow God to clean me up.  Humph, very difficult task to undergo!  I’d practiced so long and hard at not being great, and not being successful, and not being happy that I didn’t even know how or where to start the “change process”. 

Well, it didn’t take long before God took the matter of showing me where to start into his own hands.  He started with my mother. 

My mother returned from her vacation in Alaska just days before God stopped me in the place I am in.  My mom and I have always had an on again, off again love relationship.  Some years we were like best friends.  Other years we were like two ships in the night-- sounding our alarms and shinning our super bright lights to warn each other to keep a good distance a part in order to avoid collision. 

I am a lot like my mom in many ways.  For example, I am outspoken when it comes to my feelings and beliefs, I’m strong willed, and I can be quick and harsh with my words.  Don’t misunderstand me, my mom and I both have very good and positive attributes, also.  However, for this blog, the characteristics I’ve just listed help me get my point across.  To be frank, this season of my life, Mom and I have done nothing but bump heads.  (And I have a hard head!)

Shortly after God opened my eyes to me (like one day after), my mom started ruffling my feathers, like only a mother can do.  Throughout the week, she only seemed to aggravate me more and more.  It finally came to a head.  We exchanged harsh words.  (I wished she was still on vacation, anywhere, away from me!)

Here I am trying to swallow the ugliness of myself, and my mother is picking at my wound…just what I needed, right?  (I know I picked at a few of her scars, too.)

I was at my wits end.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to walk away from our relationship until another season.  That same ole “give-up” spirit wanted me to just cut the cords.  I almost did.  But my sister is in town.  She is my best friend.  To walk away from Mama now, meant giving up time with my sister.  (The three of us usually do things together.)  God allowed it to be that during this rough patch between Mama and me, there was something that I didn’t want to walk away from.  God made it so that “giving up” wasn’t easy. 

So what was left to do, but pray?  This is how God taught two lessons at once on forgiveness.

Friday night I lay in the bed praying about the situation.  Once again, I was shown me…

I am a tough mother (just like Mary, my mother).  And like my mother, I have a child who is a lot like me.  You remember the list?  Outspoken, strong willed, etc.  Therefore, my daughter and I (yep, she’s only six) often tussle (not physically, of course).  Anyway, God dealt with my willingness to walk away too easily (even from the ones I love the most) by showing me how my daughter, Chandler, was being taught (by me) to have the same weakness.  The way I deal with relationships would probably be how she deals with relationships as an adult.  What a blow!

I love my kids more than anything in this world!  Chandler is really special to me because she’s my little girl.  She’s fun-loving, compassionate, smart and funny.  The last thing I want for her is harm.  I am her role model.  But maybe I am not being such a good model? I have to let her see God’s perfection through me.  This way she has better chances at living a “whole” life.  Work on me, Lord!

My lesson was to surrender the “give-up” spirit, the just walk away attitude, and the sabotage it before it hurts too badly philosophy (not only for my future, but for my children’s futures).

There was another lesson to be learned here, though.  I had to forgive my mother.  God brought to my mind the scripture from I Corinthians, chapter 13 on love.  (Not this again!  My spirit had been bombarded with living this scripture during the last year of my marriage.  I only did okay, at times, with it then.)  So again, here I am at LOVE:  is patient, kind, never jealous, boastful, proud , or rude; isn’t selfish, quick tempered; doesn’t keep record of wrong; rejoices in truth, not evil; is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting; love never fails!

After meditating on that scripture, I realize that the problem between my mom and me is me…

I asked my mom to read my blog before I published it.  I never imagined that God would use something as simple as my writing to open a conversation about our relationship.  What God revealed through this conversation is and will be monumental in the “changing” of our dealings with each other and our understanding of one another.  We discussed a lot of things.  One thing that she made clear is that no matter what, she is my mother and she will always love and root for me.  I knew this, but somehow I allowed my idiosyncrasies to disregard these facts.  We don’t and won’t always see eye to eye, but she still deserves my respect and love, the I Corinthian’s kind of love, no matter what.  If I respect my mom we won’t bump heads!  And if I love (period), well, all problems solved!

It is obvious that that I don’t owe forgiveness only to Mama, but to many others that I’d given up on and refused to love (despite what offense I believed they dealt me).  What a lesson…So here goes:  I forgive myself!  I forgive You!  And I ask that you please forgive me for my wrongs to you! From now on, I am working towards loving you and myself God’s way.  So our offenses should be far and in-between in the very near future.

Now, Lord, can I leave this place?

This has been Melva’s TRUTH.

Remember:  I am not the good news—Jesus is!

**One Day I’ll Tell My Kids   Entry #5

Dear Chandler and Cameron,

In so many ways both of you are so much like me.  And like most mothers, I want you to be better than me in every way.  I want to preface this letter with an apology.  Though I have tried, I haven’t always taught by example.  I know that you have seen and heard things from me that don’t agree with God’s Word.  For these things I ask you to forgive me. 

It is weird, but even though I am 36 years old, in a way, I am growing up with you.  I am just learning some real life application lessons.  (Man, my hardships and their results make the Sunday School book’s life application section look like child’s play.)  Still, I thank God that I am learning these lessons now, while you are young.  My prayer is that you mimic my “change” more than you hold to the wrong things I have taught you through my actions and words in the past. 

Even at your tender ages, I know the situations and people that vex you.  I pray that as you mature in wisdom and understanding, you will be able to forgive those that hurt you, as well, as forgiving yourselves where and when you fall short.  Deal with people as God would lead you to deal with them—with love. 

One day, years down the road, I’ll be reminded of this week:  the week I chose to love.  And by then, I hope that I will be able to see in you both the fruit of my labor…

I love you more and more each day!

Love you much,

Mommy